Work Humor, I Guess?

 

So 20 minutes after my supervisor leaves for the day and goes on vacation, one of our systems stops working, of course. 

Our supervisor usually does this for us, but I knew where to go to put in a ticket for IT, so I did.

Thinking we were good, I then reread the description of the problem when it sent me a copy of the ticket via email.

So ... the original message said something like "Unable to access Program X. Doctor waiting for association of this report with a new order."

So ... it turns your description into the ticket title.

And it truncated it. 

Guess where?

""Unable to access Program X. Doctor waiting for ASS."

What the ???

DOCTOR.WAITING. FOR ASS?!?

Anyone's ass in particular or will any ole' ass do?

😂😂😂

Sigh.

OMG, I'm an idiot!

I chatted with my team -  embarrassed, but simultaneously finding this situation hilarious.

"OMG, you guys? Look what my ticket says, it truncated the message"  *Sigh* 😂 .. and I copy-pasted the truncated version.

Then I posted this GIF, which they found hilarious, used to my general goofballedness by now  ...

Love Actually Christmas GIFfrom Love Actually GIFs

😂😂😂!!!

Good thing my coworkers are cool and have good senses of humor!

My supervisor does, too, and as my coworker pointed out, she'll get a kick out of it later.

So at that point, I could only hope the IT tech that read it did, too (gulp).

Just in case, I left a comment under the ticket with the full sentence, apologized for the truncated version, and a small "lol," hoping for the best. 

Good news, I be saved - I guess someone else reported it before our department, because it was fixed 20 minutes later and my ticket what never viewed, so I closed it - WHEW! 😂

Hey, I never claimed to be smooth, did I?

Just solve the problem! 😂

New Orleans Jazz Funerals ...

 

I was talking to my work supervisor today, her trying to convince me I'd love Key West (no convincing needed!), and me trying to convince her she'd love New Orleans.

(She's an Anne Rice/spooky-book fan, so NO is a must-see then.)

New Orleans is the kind of city you either love or you hate. 

Me, I absolutely LOVE New Orleans (just NOT during Mardi Gras - too crowded/crazy).

Music and dancing everywhere, all hours of the day and night, the mix of cultures, food, religion, architecture - there's no other place like it in the United States. 

Then I started thinking of their famous jazz funerals and my previous posts on the death of my friend, Marian, and I looked up a bit of the history.

Most people focus on the second half of the funeral procession, the celebration moment after release of the body of the deceased at the cemetery, and not the mourning dirge part before, on the way to the cemetery, but here's a video with both ...

The funeral was for New Orleans Jazz singer, Juanita Brooks - "When I Die, You Better Second-Line!"

(For what second-line means, keep reading.)

 

So why do they do this in New Orleans? 

So jazz funerals in New Orleans began after the emancipation of slaves, when people of color could now give proper funerals for their dead. The only problem was, how to finance it.

Thus, "benevolent societies" such as "krewes" formed as social clubs were formed, pooling together funds to sponsor and finance proper funerals. Sometimes, more than 1 society or krewe will help finance it.

The man in this video does a great job of explaining the order of people, as well as the significance of the order of the instruments played ... 

It's not very long, but for those who don't have time to watch it, it goes like this ...

After the funeral, the grand marshal of the society or societies will signal the procession is about to begin by walking in front of the casket, while certain drums play in a certain order, signalling the beginning the mourning dirge march, leading the pallbearers to carry the casket to the hearse. 

As the first drums play, they will split into two groups to make way for the casket, with the men holding their hats down, umbrellas (usually closed) and down.  

Sometimes women of the family or close friends of the deceased will accompany the body out, umbrellas open but held down, stopping to each beat of the drum in a proud, sassy, almost defiant pose (as in the video above), which is better understood in the context of the below (in gold). 

As the casket is put into the hearse and the hearse is now in the street, other than the drummers and perhaps one or two trumpets or trombones, the band will otherwise split along both sides of the street, hats and instruments down, until the grand marshal blows the whistle grand marshal(s), when everyone is  positioned properly and ready. 

The band will reformulate after the hearse, picking up their instruments and fully join in the mourning dirge march, to which everyone marches slowly and sadly to the slow beat of the drums.

The "first line" - immediate family members - will follow just behind the hearse either in cars or walking - either behind or with the band. 

After release of the body at the cemetery, a trumpeter - or sometime a drummer - will play a little transition upbeat signal that it's time for the music transition.

At this point, the grand marshals leading, then the "first-line" of immediate family will follow just behind, alongside or behind the heare, and sometimes  interspersed with the band.

The signals plays the transition tune/beat and picks up, umbrellas now are open and fully up, and the dancing begins.

Then "second-line" - friends, neighbors, onlookers, tourists, total strangers - are not just allowed, but encouraged to join behind them, dancing in the street, waving handkerchiefs to the sky, 

Everyone is invited to dance or march in a second-line -  those who knew the deceased or didn't, black, white, whatever - it's a sign you wish the deceased well. 

And the reason they're dancing?

I didn't realize this until today, that it's not just celebrating them in a better place ... it's more about release from slavery, freedom from the bondage of this life.  

I had just commented in my first post in this series about wondering how slaves could still sing about God in the fields, back then - and now I think I get it. 

It's about freedom from the shitty hand they were dealt in this life.

It's about hope for better - if not  like in this life, then the next -  or for their children and great grandchildren. 

When you look at it that way, you get it - because this life can be far from a party for many people - so they're celebrating release from darkness and bondage to this life.

😊

Pretty cool, right?

Tying this into my recent posts about Marian's death, in this life, Marian would've loved the music, but she would've thought it was weird 😂

Hoping she'll see the beauty of it now, if she can, from wherever she is.

And considering anyone can and should join second-line dances in a New Orleans Jazz Funeral as a sign you wish them well, next time I am in New Orleans, I will do exactly that - not only for the newly deceased, but for Marian - imagining she's dancing right along with me  🥲

PS x2 - And Finally, To The Man That Killed Marian

*Edited - content added.

 

This is over 2 years coming, but as a part of my therapy, I'm gonna say this, and then go back to talking about other things. 

Like I said, I try not to think about her because it's so very painful - but I can't carry on her legacy, if I don't  - and I guess I'm not done grieving her.

So to the drunk driver that killed Marian ... 

I don't know you and I don't think I want to know you ... but I forgive you ... as I know Marian would forgive you.

I know you didn't do it on purpose.  

And I do feel sorry for you, that you were so addicted to alcohol to cope with this crazy world and soothe your own pain that you were already so drunk by Sunday afternoon, such that you sped down a 2-lane road, swerving so badly she couldn't avoid you, and plowed head on into her car.  

All I can hope is that you've taken responsibility, sought help with your addiction, and turned your life around - because of Marian.  

 

Nevertheless, I have to be honest - I can't help but want you to have to live with what you did for the rest of your life, just as we have to live the rest of our lives without her.  

And I hope you want to know more about the exceedingly rare, beautiful butterfly of a human life you took, even inadvertently. 

 

She was not just the stereotypical obituary of a mother, grandmother, sister, wife, and friend - she was committed to helping the lives of others, with a special gift for working with children - the most compassionate person I have ever known.  

 

And she was brilliant  - a trained classical pianist, she could compose her own original piece or arrange an existing piece of music for a particular group or choir, literally overnight - adjusting the key or tempo to fit the players and singers, or the general mood, watching them steadfastly for cues while accompanying them.   

 

She thought in metaphors, everything was a metaphor and an opportunity for spiritual growth, especially nature. 

 

And as I said in the post below, to me, she was the walking embodiment of I Corinthians 13.  

If you needed Marian, no matter who you were, Marian was there immediately, day or night.  

 

And she had a great laugh, a little giggle I can still hear.

Once, she took in all the farm-animal pets one of her sons couldn't afford anymore, and single-handedly took care of them all, by herself, in addition to working and mothering and grandmothering - geese, ducks, turkeys, chickens, goats, rabbits, dog and cats.  

She was overwhelmed, which we talked about, then just to make her laugh, I told her that now, I knew what to get her for Christmas that year - a donkey - just to round things out - PLUS - she could shorten her name to "Mary" and ride it into town at Christmas, get people talking 😂  

She laughed so much over that, I miss that laugh.  

 

She would laugh or cry with you, do whatever it took to help ease your pain, no matter what it was.   

And she would've done the same for you, even now, had she lived.  

 

Thus, I can think of no one less deserving of being killed by you or anyone. 

 

As you try to get sober (hopefully) - which I'm sure is harder than ever, after killing someone and not being able to depend on alcohol to cope - please keep Marian in your thoughts every day, to help you remember why you are getting sober?

 

And remember, she would forgive you as I do. 

If nothing else?  

Please ... just remember her.

 

Lastly, as Marian would wish you, ending every call or note with this parting phrase ... "God's Peace."

PS - That's It ... It's Marian ...

 

It's not JUST what Christians are supporting politically that keeps me resistant to turning to faith anymore - it's mostly Marian's death.

Marian was, to me, the walking embodiment of I Corinthians 13 - and then she was killed by a drunk driver in 2023, who walked away without a scratch.

So until then, I had already made my peace with who God may actually be versus what I thought, until then.

I had a rabbi tell me once that Christians believing that God rescues is their biggest setup for disappointment - because the Jewish faith doesn't teach that God rescues. They teach to pray for strength and wisdom and that God's presence can be felt, but not rescue - that's extremely rare.

That actually made sense to me, it actually helped me change my expectations about what God actually does/will do.

And the free will thing, that God won't intervene in the crap that we do to each other because it would negate free will - get that too.

But what I cannot seem to reconcile in my head - is Marian's death.

So ... Marian was initially my mom's church friend, I didn't know her.

Then one day in 2010, she asked my mom for my phone number after witnessing some stuff from my mom.

She called me and apologized.

She apologized for believing my Mom all these years about me, after seeing how severe my mom's mental illness actually was, though my mom had gotten really good at hiding it, especially with other church people.

From that point on, she became not just a friend, but like a surrogate mom.

I actually lived with her for a time during the last recession.

She would leave me little encouraging scripture verses at various places around the house, even in the bathroom, then snicker to herself when I found them. 😂

She'd say ...

 

"I know you feel that your mom naming you Chrystal - the female version "Christ bearer" - was a burden, too much to live up to, but I don't look at it that way, looking at it that way is too much for anybody to live up to. I look at it this way - you were named correctly because Chrystal is also a gem - you are a gem."

"And I wish I'd known sooner what a gem you really were  versus what your mom told me. That's mental illness and enablers, they see what they want, which is usually not the truth. I did it myself for her, but once you finally see it, you can't unsee it  - once you wake up and snap out of it, there's no going back."  

"You are a treasure. I'm sorry your mom and family convinced you otherwise, but God knows you're a treasure."

"The problem is, and I see it very clearly now, you dared to speak the truth. You dared to ask 'the Chrystal question,' which is "Why did you do that?"

"They don't want to be questioned, put up and shut up, pretend along with mental illness and the severe dysfunction to keep the peace, despite it not being good for anybody - or else. You, God bless ya, cannot do that, lol."

"It is not your loss, it's theirs. They're the ones missing out, because you are a delight, a true gem - your mother named you right, actually - she just can't admit it."

I, of course, did not believe her, still half-convinced of their words myself, at the time.

And she still was friends with my mom, because that's just Marian.

If you needed Marian, Marian showed up, because she believed that's what Christ would do.

When my mom started her stuff about me, she'd just shut her down.

"Marti, that's not true or what happened, I was there the time you're talking about. You weren't well then. And I didn't call you to bash Chrystal. If you don't have anything else to say or need anything else, I need to go then. I love you, God's peace."

Marian and I, on the other hand, had plenty of other stuff to talk about and giggle about other than my toxic family, so we rarely spoke about them.

As my life improved, I returned the favor as much as I could.

I would send her little gifts I know she'd like without saying who sent them and then she'd call me up and go "Was that you, leaving that on my front porch?" - and then I'd snicker about it, as she had done 😂

One Thanksgiving, though she has 5 kids and a host of grandchildren, they all were doing other things for Thanksgiving with their in-laws, that year, and I could tell she was a little lonely.

So Mark and I hauled our butts over there immediately and I made her a Thanksgiving feast fit for a queen 😊

Then, as I said, in May of 2023, she was killed by a drunk driver.

The driver walked away without a scratch, but killed my Marian.

My little sister called me, which was the best way, God love her - and I literally cried out and dropped to my knees. I couldn't even process it was real. My poor little sister, having to listen to me ramble incoherently through that (thank you, R, love you 💓).

Then my mom - who curiously didn't appear very upset about it - said something like:

"You just have to trust God there was a reason. I wonder if she forgot to anoint her car with oil and pray over it, that day."

Grrr.

What the ???

"Yeah, Mom, I'm sure that's it. Marian forgot to 'anoint' her car with a bottle of $3 cooking oil from Kroger first, that we bless ourselves - that's why she's dead! Thanks, it all makes sense now!" 

"So ... God's grace wasn't sufficient to cover her for 1 day for possibly not praying over her car, despite a lifetime of regular prayer, every day, all day, then?"

I didn't say that, of course, I just thought it.

Can't upset my mom or shake her faith. 

Never could, but especially now that she's older, her faith sustains her.

So I just excused myself off the phone because I can't deal with my mom when she's like that.

I needed to grieve Marian with someone who knew her well, to grieve with me, not ... whatever that was.

Or at least tell stories about her, funny ones and touching ones - you know, like people do when someone you love dies?

But my mom gets weird when people die. She doesn't grieve like normal people, but that's another story.

I mean, everyone grieves differently, but she's especially weird with death. 

It's not that she's not emotional - she's the most overly emotional person I've ever known, crying over everything else at the drop of a hat - but weirdly doesn't really when people die, at least not that I've ever seen. She might tear up a bit, but not really cry-cry.

Instead, she gets very cold and clinical, gets into the gory, medical details of stuff without emotion - to the degree it makes everyone around her uncomfortable - it's very odd.  

And I needed to talk about my confusion with God over this with a normal person, who can at least admit they're confused, too.

And talk without fear of that person getting defensive or without my fear of my shaking their own faith.

Marian would have.

But this was about Marian, not being here anymore.

And I'm sure Marian did pray over her travels, as she did every day, and even if she forgot one time, I'm sure that's not why.

I'm also pretty sure she did NOT anoint cars with cooking oil,  like my Mom did, because that is, of course, just bonkers.

Marian shared a lot of my mom's charismatic beliefs, but some were just too out there for her, too.

Ah, charismatic evangelical Christians, God love 'em.

They believe God actually speaks to you, and if you just do A, B, and C in Christ's name, you're protected.

Further, that they can control what other people do with this type of prayer.

IMO, not only is that no different from the "witchcraft spells" that charismatics fear most, but it sets you up for disappointment - because it's only an illusion of control - the idea that we have more power than we actually have. 

And I know this because I used to believe like that, growing up, and it didn't work for me, no matter how much faith I had.

But Marian was also highly intelligent and if something didn't make sense to her, she didn't go along with it.  She had some kooky religious ideas sometimes I didn't agree with, but she would only share what you were open to, never force, and allowed you to believe differently, gave you space for that. 

Marian had her flaws, but overall, she was the compassion of Christ.

She was patient, she was kind, she didn't demand her own way - she was the walking version of I Corinthians 13.

And I don't understand why, of all people, this happened to her.

It really shook what faith I had left, you see?

Anyway, I'm meandering through this, in therapy, forgive me, I'll get through it. If not your thing, skip it.

However, it's honest, isn't it?

I'm not trying to shake anyone's faith, I'm just being honest about my doubts.

But I'm still seeking, I guess that's the important thing.

Along with THE most important thing is that you cannot forget that person's legacy and continue to carry that torch.

"What was done to me was done for evil, but God, in turn, intended for good for the saving of many lives." (Genesis 50:20)

That is the only way I know how to deal with it.

God didn't do this to Marian and he didn't let it happen for the purpose of good later, that's not what that verse means. 

And it wasn't Satan or demons either.

And it wasn't witchcraft - either your Christian-sanctioned version "spells" or the regular kind.

This happened because some poor man so addicted to alcohol for comfort that he drove drunk on a Sunday afternoon and accidentally killed Marian - period. 

And the verse means you continue their legacy, you can CHOOSE something good to come from it later, if you can get past it rather than wallow in bitterness - you can change laws, change hearts and minds.

And although I feel sorry he was that addicted, I can't help but be angry with him still, too.

And I'm angry with God about it.

Of all people, why her? 

But like I said, regardless,  the verse means that when bad things happen, there is the potential to later be used for good, if we CHOOSE to - change laws, change processes, change minds - and be as close to being like that person you lost as you can, for others, right?

I miss you, Marian.

I can't let myself think about you too much, anymore, because it hurts too much still.

I can't even process still that you're gone and the whys of it all. 

But I do. 

I'd like to hope I see you again someday, but that's where my faith or lack thereof is, right now, it all sounds like fairy tales I was once told that turned out not to be true.

We shall see.

Breath of Heaven, Revisited ...

This one's for me (and whoever else finds it helpful). 

Hope you can tolerate my ramble through my confusion over it first, though, alrighty? 

So as mentioned a couple of months ago, I'm back in therapy. 

The thing about therapy is, you have to go back to places to try your damnedest to pretend didn't happen so you can function, right?

But they still affect you today, even when you least expect it - so you have to, even though it's hard.

Therapy is NOT 'venting' while someone pats you on the back. 

You have to address stuff - stuff you try not to think about and forget so that you can function.

In my case, the shame associated with trauma - whether you were a child and it wasn't your fault or you were an adult but made a choice that you regret, whatever the case may be - your fault, their fault, or the moon's fault -  there's still shame, embarrassment, humiliation.

And that shame needs to be addressed and viewed differently now - what you could've done differently and what you couldn't/had no control over, despite what you may tell yourself that keeps it going.

Essentially, you are are held captive there until you let that dark time see the light of day and view it differently, as an adult now or as an adult who has grown since, right?

During this process, I start to think about God. 

So God, if he exists, wasn't who/what I thought at all. 

And I'm not sure currently.

I think about children being preyed upon and killed. 

I think about 6 million Jews being exterminated. 

I think about slaves, singing songs in the field about his mercy and glory, all for naught. 

I think about the Donner Party, lying prostrate in the snow, begging for Jesus for help, for God's mercy, to no avail. 

Where was this God we sing about for them then?

And how arrogant would it be for me to think God would help me and not them?

So I have a newer neighbor who's a "baby Christian," still in that honeymoon phase, who keeps inviting me to her church. It's ... cute lol.

I was where she was about 1,000 years ago, so I get it.

Then I was hurt, even abused, by other Christians, but still tried to separate them from God. 

Then God let me down in a big way that I don't know if I'll ever understand or get over. 

And then after that, 2 years ago, the only friend I had, during that previous dark time in my life, was killed by a drunk driver, driving home from church on a Sunday in May of 2023 - the best Christian I have ever known.

But there are even worse than my situation, I know.

I've seen parents whose children were murdered that give up God for good, and I don't blame them.

In fact, Christians have nothing to say when someone loses a child - because there is nothing to say. They'd prefer to focus on a different side of God, whoever he is, and "have faith" for themselves anyway, because they need to.

Then they say dumb stuff to these parents like "God's will" or "They're in a better place" or "there's a reason for everything."

Bullshit. 

It was NOT God's will for their child to be murdered and there IS not reason for it. 

Where was God for them?

Did they not have enough faith? 

Were they not Christian enough?

Did they have some sin they hadn't already gone over with God?

No. God just wasn't there.

In fact, there IS nothing you can say to comfort someone who has lost a child, they will never get over it - we just have to go through it with them, not abandon them, no matter how rough it gets for them afterwards, lifelong, though I'm sure most die inside after the loss of that child.

Because it is their choice, whether to die inside along with them or do something good in their name - push or change in laws and processes, set up foundations -  whatever it takes to feel their child's life was not in vain and keep from dying along with them.

So Mark, unlike me, doesn't think the aforementioned neighbor is  just young and cute - he thinks she's annoying, constantly talking about Jesus and inviting us to her church.

But like me, I guess he finds it harder than ever to see God in this world anymore, particularly from those calling themselves Christians today.

And neither of us are particularly interested in helping other Christians with their imaginary heaven points for saving souls, when Christ never said anything like that.

Christ said to share the good news/evangelizing to those who hadn't heard about it yet, yes - NOT proselytize with the goal of conversion for people who already have, and either don't choose Christianity or don't want just your version of Christianity.

In fact, Christ said your relentless and aggressive methods of proselytizing and conversion can actually make them just as much of a child of hell as you are, with your methods of doing so, pushing just your interpretation of Christianity on them. (Matthew 23:15)

I'm not sure how those words of Christ were so misunderstood, that people don't understand the difference between evangelism and proselytizing/conversion.

How "testimony" to people open to it got twisted somehow into into the incessant need to save other people/convert them, when Christ actually said nearly the opposite.

And missionary work, don't even get me started. 

Christian works are supposed to be about stewardship to God  and loving our neighbors  WITHOUT expectation of a return on our "investment - simply loving your neighbors/helping care for others WITHOUT the goal of conversion.

Thus, this incessant need to randomly try to continually and sometimes aggressively get people to your church and see things just your Christian way, as if it earns you extra God points, is NOT scripturally-based.

Speaking of evangelizing versus proselytizing/conversion - the people claiming to be Christians are supporting Christian Nationalism - and a bunch of other political stuff that are the furthest from Christ we've ever seen in our lifetime with Trump, actually the antithesis to everything Christ taught us - only makes things more confusing.

It's harder than ever to find and hear the Good Shepherd's voice, and I do NOT hear or see the Good Shepherd's voice is most of today's Christians, especially those supporting Trump.

And when I tell this neighbor, and other baby Christians that I'm not ready to go back - that I'm confused/struggling in my faith, and maybe even a little mad at God -  they say they'll pray for me and that God can change this and that, God will do this and that for me, and my eyes glaze over.

I realize it's coming from a good heart, but still, I'm thinking "Maybe he's there for you, but he wasn't for me, when I  needed him most, and I was just like you once. He's clearly there for some but not others. Did we have less faith? Did we have some sin we hadn't already thought of?  No - so some of us just must be children of a lesser God then. So sure, pray for me ... because my own prayers go unheard."

I don't actually ever say that, I just think it sometimes.

And yet I do miss feeling that "Breath of Heaven," even if it wasn't real, my own invention.

And I realize that God, if there is one, is nothing like these Christians who've hurt me.

Thse Christians that have plenty of compassion for other Christians or others they view exactly like themselves, but none to give for those who don't, those who they deem unworthy.

But I still follow the teachings of Christ, absolutely, every day, knowing he was nothing like that, preaching the opposite.

And I still pray every day, just in case.

So that time God let me down in a big way was over 15 years ago was the darkest time in my life - a time I still struggle to see where God was in the situation, despite never feeling closer to Jesus in my life.

But at the time, the hope that God represented, the God we create in our heads, gets you through dark times, even if it's nothing more than the God of your own making, right? 

With that in mind, faced with refacing the darkest time in my life in beginning therapy again, I remembered 2 songs that got me through in hope and I'm posting them here as I travel this therapy journey and become aware of things that still trigger those old feelings in my daily life, so that I that I don't stay stuck back there 😊

There are actually great memories from how I heard these songs the first time during those dark times, at the right time, actually - great memories of light and hope during a dark time - but I'll tell them another day, for now, keeping those just for me. to help me remember the hope I held onto, despite what was going on around me. 

This first one is about finding no kindness, mercy, or belief in you around you, such that you start to believe it yourself - being unable to give yourself mercy and kindness as well - but the idea that God - or your "invention" of who God is to you, your idea of God - can extend his mercy and see the good in you, even when you can't find it yourself anymore ... 

He Saw The Best in Me (Marvin Sapp)

He saw the best in me
When everyone else around
Could only see the worst in me
I wish I had a witness tonight

Does anyone know that tonight?

See, he is mine, and I am His
Said it doesn't matter what I did
See, He only sees me for who I am

Can I ask ya'll one question?
The question is simply this
What did he see?
(He saw the best)
I can't get no help up in here

Because there's some folk in here that people have wrote you off
Said you would never amount to anything
Said that you would never end up being anywhere
But Marvin, tell 'em one more time, what did he see?
He saw the best

When momma said you would never be nothin'
When aunties and uncles said you would never amount to anything
When daddy didn't come home anymore

He didn't look at you and say that you weren't going to make it
God looked at you and what did He see, what did He see?
He saw the best

Is there anybody in here tonight
That's so very thankful that God did not write you off
That he did not throw you away
That he picked you up

He saw (He saw the best)
What did he see? (The best)
I said, what did he see? (The best)
I said, what did he see? (The best)
I said, what did he see? (The best)
I said, what did he see? (The best)
I said, what did he see? (The best)
He saw the best in me

Listen to this ya'll, I love this, I love this
See he is mine, and I am his
It doesn't matter what I did
For, he only sees me for who I am

He's mine 
He is mine, I am His
It doesn't matter what I did
He only sees me for who I am
(He only sees me for who I am)

And the reason why He sees me for who I am
Because He created me in His image and likeness

This next one is about Mary, the thoughts she may have had. If we accept the bible's story "as is" or not, by all outward appearances, she appeared to her community to be an originally unwed pregnant woman - can you imagine the stuff she took, especially back then?

So I was originally raised in a church that believed if bad things happened in your life, it's because you were sinning somehow.

But as I said, when all this converged at once, when the house of cards fell, I was never closer to God, never more committed to living my life in the compassionate way of Christ.

I spoke to a Catholic priest during that time, expressing that maybe these things being said about me were actually true and I just couldn't see it.  Maybe there was some residual sin in my life somehow?

He said: 

"Huh, not always.  No offense, but that's very Protestant thinking. You're talking to a Catholic. We love our suffering! 😂 We believe suffering brings you closer to Christ, suffering sanctifies. In fact, we make saints out of those who suffer most, right?" 

"Our current version of the bible, especially the Protestant version, doesn't offer many stories for women, but try to take some time to focus on Mary's journey - what it must've looked like to others versus what was really going on." 

"Not understanding, looking from the outside, they must've thought she was a crazy, a loose-moraled woman, right? But she was actually carrying the son of God." 

"What others think/believe doesn't matter - you know the truth and so does God. And God remembers even when you start to doubt yourself. The truth may never come out in your lifetime, you may never see justice, but hold on to the fact that it IS truth and God knows it, too. "

Well, I'm no Mary or saint - but there was gold in those words for me.

Thus, I love this song ... 

Breath of Heaven (Amy Grant)

I have travelled many moonless nights
Cold and weary with a baby inside
And I wonder what I've done
Holy Father, You have come
And chosen me now, to carry Your Son

I am waiting in a silent prayer
I am frightened by the load I bear
In a world as cold as stone
Must I walk this path alone?

Be with me now
Be with me now

Breath of Heaven
Hold me together
Be forever near me
Breath of Heaven

Breath of Heaven
Lighten my darkness
Pour over me Your Holiness
For you are Holy
Breath of Heaven

Do You wonder as You watch my face?
If a wiser one should have had my place
But I offer all I am
For the mercy of Your plan

Help me be strong
Help me be ...
Help ... me

Breath of Heaven
Hold me together
Be forever near me
Breath of Heaven

Breath of Heaven
Lighten my darkness
Pour over me Your Holiness
For You are Holy

Breath of Heaven
Hold me together
Be forever near me
Breath of Heaven

Breath of Heaven
Lighten my darkness
Pour over me Your Holiness
For You are Holy
Breath of Heaven
Breath of Heaven
Breath of Heaven

On that note, I am again reminded of a promise I made to God and myself back then - that when I was in a better place, I would BE that person I didn't have at the time - I would show others struggling the mercy and kindness I should've received.

When I do, some people think it's weird. Some people think it's part of some sort of agenda or that I want something.

I assure you, it's not - it's part of the promise I made to both myself and God during that time - to be that person for others I didn't have.

Because like Joseph said (Genesis 50:20) 

"What was done to me was done for evil, but God, in turn, intended for good, for the saving of many lives."

That verse says to me that God doesn't do this stuff, humans do in free will, and it can be used for good - IF - you choose to, rather than be swallowed up in bitterness.

And actually, that is the only thing that can happen when bad things happen, even the murder of children - that we make choose to make sure it doesn't happen again, that mindsets and laws change because of it, and many parents spend their lives doing just that rather than dying with them, after the murder of a child - because that's the best we anyone can do.

That doesn't mean God did it or had a reason for it - it just means you turn that evil into something good, for the saving of many lives and/or others struggling.

Sometimes I isolate, not wanting to burden people with my anxieties or down moments.

But then I remember that promise I made  - to myself and "God" -and it snaps me out of THAT, pretty quickly 😊

SNL This Season? *Yawn*

So since I was a kid, I have loved improv sketch comedy. It was a great laugh-escape drug from my overly serious, toxic family, whom I gradually became allergic to 😂

Originally, it was The Carol Burnett Show - she was my hero.

The sketches were hilarious, the entire cast was hilarious, but Carol was unafraid to contort her face or do weird voices, as a woman - she wasn't afraid to look "unpretty" for a minute to make people laugh, which was especially brave for a woman at the time.

I used to do impressions of Carol's impressions of the Queen, Nora Desmond, and The Pigeon Lady, just to crack my friends up.

And who can forget the Gone With the Wind Parody, where she plays Scarlett, who doesn't just make a dress out of her curtains, when she descends the stairs to make and entrance, she's actually wearing the curtain rod as well! 😂

A few years later, after I was allowed to watch it (or would sneak and watch it at friends houses), I transitioned to SNL as a favorite ...

... and it's sister show, SCTV from Canada ... 

You should be able recognize all the original cast members of both shows, by now - but did you know they were all almost exclusively alumni originally from Second City - Chicago or Second City - Toronto improv sketch-comedy troupes?

In fact, the SC in SCTV stands for Second City.

Only Larraine Newman came from LA's The Groundlings, but it was still on-stage improv sketch-comedy experience.

This will be important later, keep reading.

I loved these shows so much that I used to write little comedy sketches for my neighborhood friends and I to put on for our parents, which we thought were hilarious, but were often met with crickets by parents. 

In fact, I think they weren't even sure the sketches were over, when we were done ... so it took several seconds to clap afterwards. 😂

To be fair, only one of our parents sets watched or even understood SNL humor - and also, we were 9 😂

And we weren't redoing SNL skits, we made up our own.

The only skit I really remember was kind of a medley of parodies of 70s commercials we parodied that we thought were dumb. 

One sketch was a parody of this commercial for a laundry stain-remover product, oddly called "Shout"  - and I didn't understand why,.

I mean, I did, but I didn't. 

The commercial would say "Shout it out" meaning the stain.

What a ridiculous name for a laundry product.

And worse, if you're going to name it something so ridiculous, why not play up the name and at least make the commercial funny?

So I redid it - I made it a parody sketch, where some little girl comes in crying about grass stains on her new dress and the narrator says "Don't fret, shout it out," so her mother takes a bullhorn and shouts:

 "HEY -  GET OFF OF HER NEW DRESS, YE GRASS STAIN DEMON!"

Then the mom sprays down the little girl with a hose, hooked up to a bottle of Shout, and the little girl runs away screaming, forever traumatized by Shout 😂

Sorry, I know that was 9-year-old humor - but I still think that's funny? 😂

Okay, not the funniest - but now that I think about it, I wonder if it was less about being unfunny and more about some of those parents being very serious, and sometimes very addicted - either to substances or religion - as the reason only a few parents laughed rather than staring blankly at us and blinking? 😉 😂

Who knows, maybe it was both - we weren't as funny as we thought we were as 9-year-olds AND our parents had some serious issues, which we now know they did, for sure.

Then again, it takes so little to make me giggle anyway. 

Humor is my coping skill, always has been. I can get to an anxious place where I lose my sense of humor for a day or so, but I always remember it and get it back, thank God.

As an aside, I could only do this with good friends, never at school  with the rich, cool kids or with teachers - our parents' reactions didn't exactly give confidence, right? 

And there's no way I could do any of that now, anytime, anywhere, except maybe with my husband, or my little sister, because she gets it and we can play off each other like that, and she's not afraid at all to do any of it!

Otherwise,  I became too socially anxious/self-conscious!

Shout out to my childhood gurlz ...

... especially the neighborhood galz - Margie, Susan, Jerrie Lynn, Jackie, Darlene, Amy ...

...  school friends, Robin, Shannon, Chris(tine), and Elissa ...

...  church friends, Heidi and Damaris ...

.

Wherever you are now, and despite being surprisingly very different people than we were then - thank you for subjecting yourselves to those ridiculous skits that I coerced you to into doing! 😂

I know that unlike most other kids in our affluent community, most of you weren't dealt the greatest hands in life, either, but we had each other, and we had a fun, safe escape from all that - we had a great time, didn't we?  😊

But back to my point - all of this to say, this year, not even a slight smile with SNL, this season, all the skits are bombing.

In fact, I'm afraid it might be the death year for SNL and is the first time I've ever turned it off mid show out of boredom. 

Now, I realized that SNL was going to be different, this year, with major cast shakeups, but we've had that before and it turned out okay, so I gave it a chance.

I also give them a couple of episodes to get their footing.

I also realize that new cast members are given less screentime until they prove themselves.

And yet by the third show, it's getting worse instead of better?

So here's what's wrong, IMO ...

For starters, this is a show that was originally built on parody impressions and recurring absurd, OTT characters - and there are few, if any, this season.

Sorry - the recurring Domingo sketch you cold-opened with, last night, instead of your political sketch doesn't count.

It was only moderately funny to begin with, but there's nothing new, here, nothing fresh - it's just the same joke over and over, we're sick of it already.

I mean when the writers and actors themselves would create a sketch, if not parodying famous people or politicians, would then parody someone  in their family,  or their former selves growing up as nerds, or even someone they met on the subway or at a local deli.

And they always kept it fresh, something new, a new situation - not the same people over and over with the same joke.

Like the local diner "Cheeseburger, cheeseburger, no Coke, Pepsi" guy, from a local diner, which the cast found funny.

Or taking a local deli guy with knifing skills and dragging it out to the point of the absurd by making him a Samurai?

Or consummate nerds, Todd and Lisa Leubner, based on exaggerated version of how they saw themselves, growing up ...

Previously, the majority of the cast could do impressions and create recurring absurd characters, willing to go out on that limb and be OTT and absurd, while just the minority plays the "straight men" - but now it's flipped. Most of the cast are "straight men" and only the minority are willing to be absurd.

Virtually no one but Bowen Yang and Marcello Hernandez are capable of doing impressions, with the exception of James Austin Johnson, but only when he's playing Trump.


Chloe Fineman and Mikey Day are your next best bets, and yet still no defining, recurring character skits or impressions.

(The weak attempt at the Domingo sketch as the cold open sketch last night doesn't count - it was kinda funny the first 2 times, but it's just the same thing over and over, nothing new here.)

And in the end, do you know what the real problem with SNL is, this year, Ladies and Gentlemen?

No, not that they're playin it safe because of politics, because they aren't, with the exception of the Domingo cold open rather than political.

The biggest problem is - and I just checked to be sure - not a single new cast member is an alum from an improv troupe -  Second City, The Groundlings, or even the new pipeline for improv sketch comedy talent, Upright Citizens Brigade in NYC.

Sorry, but you MUST have that night-after-night on-stage improv comedy sketch experience, to feel out your audience, what's working, what isn't, and how to adjust.

You CANNOT just put a bunch of snarky, stand-up comedians  or writers who don't do impressions or characters on stage doing improv comedy sketches and expect them to be funny - sorry.


That HAS happened, and it worked - but you better also do impressions, voices, and faces.

In other words, if you've only done standup before, you better be Eddie Murphy or Adam Sandler.

(Or Marcelo Hernandez, who had no improv experience, only standup, but is just a a natural OTT hams.)

At SNL's inception, the entire cast were from either Second City Chicago or Toronto or The Groundlings in LA - or the newest troupe, the SCNYC spinoff started by Amy Poehler,  the UCB (Upright Citizens Brigade in NYC (Kate McKinnon and Bowen Yang being alumni).

This year, we've dwindled down to only only 4 people with live stage improv troupe alumni experience - Chloe Fineman, Mikey Day, Ashley Padilla, and Bowen Yang - with the first 3 being interesting enough to watch, but still no recurring, OTT, absurd impressions or characters.

Lastly, you MUST give the new cast time to together to practice playing off each other and finding their chemistry.

All previous casts will tell you that either they worked together before from SC or the Groundlings  or they played behind the scenes to learn how to play off each other and fine-tune characters.

When you start an almost completely new cast who don't know each other from prior stage-troupe experience, and start filming in September, what did you expect?

Sigh, come on, SNL, you've had bad seasons before, but you're playing it so safe now you're boring the heck out of us like never before!

Happy Fall, Y'all

 

Show Some Love for the U.S. Social Security Office Staff ...

 

... who are currently still working without being paid due to the government shutdown!

My husband has been working with Social Security on something, and they got it all done in less than 2 weeks, were super kind, and then when it was all done, his caseworker let him know he wasn't being paid.

That is some serious commitment and very commendable!

People always complaining about the government and bureaucracy, but let me tell you, that was AMAZING!

Thank you, Social Security Office Staff!

Gonna send you a little something to let you know we appreciate you!

🙏🫶👏💖

Butternut Squash as a Main Dish Recipes: We Have a Winner!

 

So as I mentioned previously, I've been trying out new recipes with butternut squash recipes with butternut squash as a main dish - both because I love butternut squash and because we have a plethora of them, because someone Mark works with grew many and keeps bringing them in, knowing we love them!

This ... 

(Not my photo.)

Creamy Roasted Butternut Squash and Prosciutto pasta is the definite winner - SO good!

In fact, it may be the best new recipe I've tried all year!

I've made recipes from Tieghan at Half-Baked Harvest before and they are 5-star delicious - every single time.

(She's also apparently really good with the food photography, btw.)

I'm thinking of adding spinach to it, next time, just to get veggies in somehow, but for now, I just had a romine side salad with Greek vinaigrette I make myself.

Enjoy!

Ellen Greenberg's Death Ruled a Suicide Again???

 *Edited, content added.

I'm sorry, but this is complete BS - and remember, I had no opinion on the Karen Read situation. I'm just not a big believer in cover-up conspiracy stuff in general unless there is enough evidence to support it. 

Though there were a few oddities in the Karen Read thing, in the end, I guess I just didn't buy his cop friends would go to that degree to cover up his accidental death, which was Karen's whole premise. 

I also didn't much care for her campaigning for herself on every news program out there, which began to appear to me like she was trying to control the narrative, rather than just tell her side of things.

But who knows? Who cares? I mean, it's a sad situation, but whether she did it or his drinking cop buddies did, it was accidental, either way.

None of this media circus will bring him back. And I don't think either side had trustworthy people and not a single one of them would I have ever hung out with.

Now, having said that, that is not to say that cops and city officials don't cover for their own, we all know that cops do especially.

And we also know that cronyism and corruption at public/government institutions - especially based on political ambitions - are at an all-time high. 

In fact, we have all but lost faith completely in our government systems, to include criminal justice - their judgment only being as sound as their political beliefs and who throws the most money and power-abuse around.

So Ellen Greenberg's death was just reinvestigated by the new City of Philadelphia Chief Medical Medical Examiner because it was especially fishy - and it was just ruled a suicide - again.

Seriously, though - who commits suicide by stabbing themselves 20 times - including the back of the head/neck?

And the knife was found in the heart.

So ... after stabbing herself repeatedly in the back of the head and neck, she still had the mental and physical capacity to plunge the knife deeply into her chest/heart???

Hmm. 

That's asking us to believe a lot. 

Actually, too much.

I call bullshit.

I guess it's remotely possible - about as possible as rainbows flying out of my pug's backside.

(As much as I love Ziggy, I can assure you, it's not rainbows that fly out of there.)

Thus, IMO, at the very least, the cause of death should have been ruled "undetermined."

Because based on the limited evidence, it could've been murder just as much as it could've been suicide - even more towards murder.

Because in addition to the 20 stab wounds, though there were more problems, the top 5 oddities are below, but keep in mind this: 

The uncle of Ellen's live-in boyfriend, Sam, was set to become a Chief Justice (judge) in Philadelphia.

1. There were berries in a bowl and other cooking utensils out, as if she was in the middle of baking something. 

 

So ... what, she was like, baking a pie, then suddenly said to herself "Hey, I think I'll take this knife and stab myself 20 times in the head, neck, and chest???"

 

2. The completely incompetent policemen relied exclusively on the boyfriend's account, Sam Goldberg - not witnessed by anyone else - and immediately pronounced it a suicide and did not fully examine the body -  so no criminal investigation was done.

The prior Philly medical examiner ruled it a suicide based on police testimony alone, again, based on Sam's account alone, without any evidence supporting his story whatsoever.  

 

3. When Sam called 911, he told the dispatcher at first that he didn't know where the blood was coming from, and that he couldn't get her shirt off to do CPR and didn't know why  -  despite the very large knife sticking out of her chest.  

 

He then proceeded to act like he just now, at that moment, saw the giant knife (that is extremely obvious in the police photo).

 

4. There were various large bruises on her body in various stages of healing.  

  

5. After police left, Sam curiously called his soon-to-be-chief-judge uncle to help him clean up, who then curiously called a crime-scene cleanup crew to leave no trace.

I'm NOT saying Sam killed her - but I am saying the cause of death should've been at the very least "undetermined."

(I'd also nearly bet my own life this wasn't suicide, either.)